I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
