my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
