If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
