can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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