Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I didn't notice because vodka
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
