Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
