Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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