Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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