I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
