WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
