Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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