you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
