The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
