My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
