he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
