but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
