I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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