my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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