we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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