First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
