She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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