He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
