it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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