I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
