my sisters under your porch take her home
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
