I bet he comes in French.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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