My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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