Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
