I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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