M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
