I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
