Since when is my name a synonym for head?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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