How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
