Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
