FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
You made out with two different species that night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
