I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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