And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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