I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
