I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
