great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
