Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
