Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
