I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
