I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
