Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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