I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
