Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
