All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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