you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
