the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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