She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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